Thriving as a parent AND a business owner with Yara Heary
A lot of my listeners are juggling parenthood and running businesses, with many others looking to start families in the next twelve months. I myself know the challenges this balancing act can present. So for today’s episode, I sat down with the lovely Yara Heary who shares her insight into thriving as both a parent and business owner in today’s busy world.
Yara is a therapist and owner of Life After Birth Psychology, where she works with mothers both one-on-one and in a group program. Yara believes that we deserve joy and to thrive as mothers, and her vision is to support women’s growth, healing and connection with their authentic selves.
When we’re in the messy middle of life and business, there’s often a sense of upheaval. It can be tough to keep moving forward, and in this moment we tend to become hyper critical of ourselves. Yara believes self-compassion is key to leading a fulfilled life, and applying it is critical when we fail to meet our own expectations. We talk about the inevitable ebb and flow of life, and how being gentle with ourselves through life’s varying phases will help us push through.
When we have dreams to pursue, children to raise and businesses to run, a million different things vie for our attention. So how do we make space for the things that bring the most meaning to our lives? We discuss the importance of boundaries, and how truly knowing what our values are will enable us to clarify and set the right ones.
What is it that brings you joy? What is it that makes you feel fulfilled? What do you engage in that fills you up and that lights you up? When you get clear on what matters to you most, being able to say no becomes so much easier and leads you to being in true alignment with yourself and your values.
We delve into experiencing the ‘big emotions’ that comes with parenting, often triggered by the pressure of the ‘shoulds’ and external expectations of our society. Yara discusses bigger emotions like anger, and how this can be useful in informing us about what is happening internally.
Yara defines the inner child and explains why being in touch with this aspect of ourselves is key in bringing nurture and care when our nervous system is activated. We discuss how our past experiences and family of origin can determine our attachment styles, and Yara gives advice on recognising when our inner child is causing us to react abnormally.
There is a season for everything, and that the compassion we show ourselves will hold us when life gets big and we see our businesses grow.
I got so much out of this conversation and I hope you feel encouraged to grant yourself the grace and kindness you deserve, balancing life as a thriving parent and boss.
Topics We Covered:
Kristy: [00:00:00] Hello boss and welcome back to the Run Your Business Like A Boss podcast. Today I'm joined by very special guest, Yara Heary, who is the business owner of Life After Birth Psychology. Now a little forewarning. This conversation is longer than our typical episode length. But I assure you, this is loaded with so much value.
You're going to feel seen, you're going to hear tools. It's really going to help you navigate your own journey as a parent, as well as a business owner. Yara works with mothers via one-on-one programs as well as a group program, and she believes that you deserve joy and to thrive as a mother, and her vision for her business is to support your growth, healing, and connection with your authentic self. There is nothing harder in life than being a mother, being a business owner. So many [00:01:00] triggers and stories will come up along the way, and we talk about all that and so much more in this conversation.
So are you ready? Let's go.
Yara, thank you so much for joining us for this episode on the Run Your Business Like A Boss podcast. I'm so excited to have you here.
Yara: Oh, thank you. I'm so stoked to be here. Beautiful.
Kristy: I am so excited to dive into today's conversation because so [00:02:00] many of my audience are parents, predominantly mums, but there are some dads in there too. I also have a few listeners who are looking to start a family in the next 12 months. So I know that the insights that you're going to share with us today is really going to support parents of all stages in their journey.
So with all of that said, I'd love to begin with why is it so important to be self-compassionate as a parent, especially so through this lens of we're in the messy middle stage of business.
Yara: Hmm. Yeah, I think it's so important for self. I think self-compassion is just such an important key of feeling fulfilled in life in general. So, and I think a lot of what we'll probably talk about today is just one of those things where this applies to all parts of life and business and parenting is I guess facets of life as well.
So I think if we lack self-compassion for ourselves, it means that when the [00:03:00] going gets tough or when we are unable to meet an expectation, whether that's our own or whether that's an external expectation, it means that we are likely to become really critical about ourselves. And when we are critical about ourselves, it makes it harder to keep going. It makes it harder to keep moving forward. You know, we may consider, especially in business, I think we may consider is this worth going on. And I think especially in business, especially when we are in the beginning stages of a business or where even in that middle part of a business and we are trying to scale and expand, there's going to be lots of, uh, feelings of sort of upheaval.
It's hard. It's hard work, right? We're not at that place where we are raking in, you know, millions and we've got lots of money to spend on outsourcing and things like that. And there's going to be difficulties. Business is challenging and there's always going to be problems that we are gonna have to get creative about problem solving.
But if we don't have self-compassion for ourselves and we become really critical at those points, [00:04:00] then they could be the breaking point for us as business owners and certainly as it applies for parenting. It makes parenting exponentially harder when we can't be gentle with ourselves. And I think also, you know, in terms of running a business, if we are working with other people in business, being able to have self-compassion for ourselves means that we can also have that for the people that are working with us.
And part of working with other people is that there's always going to be difficulties that arise or, or hard conversations that we need to have when it comes to managing people that work in our business, and I think if we can have self-compassion for ourselves when we're maybe not hitting the mark, or when things are feeling really hard for ourselves, it means we can also have that compassion with those people in our business and have those conversations that feel hard from a place of yeah, compassion. And it also just means that what we are doing is we're ensuring partnerships for the future in our business where that's possible as well. So I think if we have self-compassion, the other thing that it [00:05:00] does do is that we're less likely to have these kind of really unrealistic expectations for our performance in our business, what we are realistically able to achieve.
And when it comes to parenting, obviously that applies to, you know, what is actually possible in the space of reality as well for our parenting. And it means that if we have less of a distance to fall, so if we've got these really high expectations for ourselves and really unrelenting standards of like, we must achieve this much income per month or whatever it is, and then we have times where we can't do that because especially as parents, there's a lot of flexibility that's required when you're a business owner and you have children.
Especially for mothers, there is so much flexibility that's required and so it might mean that month to month business looks different in terms of what actually comes in, what, how many clients you have, and things like that. And I think we need to be compassionate with ourselves and know that that's a phase of, of life and therefore a phase of business as well.
Right? So if we've got. young children, but certainly even teenage children require a [00:06:00] lot of work in terms of parenting, right, and scaffolding and things like that. We need to understand that as mothers in business, we have to be flexible. We can't have these unrelenting standards around our performance in business or how we show up in business.
We need to build into that some level of flexibility so that we're not beating ourselves up and feeling terrible when we're not able to, you know, show up in the same capacity this month as we did last month, because maybe this month we had kids that were sick all month, and couldn't go to school because , you know, the current time that we live in.
So I think self-compassion is such an important thing. And also self-compassion is a requirement for good boundaries. And boundaries are absolutely essential in business and in life in general as well. So, you know, to avoid burnout and things like that. So when we can be self-compassionate with ourselves, I think we can be really clear as well about what are our boundaries, both in business and in other areas of life as well.
Kristy: Yeah. I love that there was so [00:07:00] much that you touched on in that Yara, and I'd love to just circle back over a few of those things. And the very first thing that you said was that being a parent and being in business, it's hard and the opposite of self-compassion is actually being critical of ourselves.
And I don't know about you, but if I'm being critical or if I'm in a situation where I'm not feeling good about myself, it's so much harder to take action. It's so much harder to dig in and have resilience and do the things that I need to do to achieve my goals. And so I even love that in and of itself, this notion that self-compassion actually helps with your business because you're being kind to yourself, you're speaking kind to yourself. You're giving yourself grace that if things don't go the way that you expect that you are gonna be okay.
Yara: Yeah, totally. And I think the other thing that came up as you were saying that was just I think to myself, when I'm being critical of myself, [00:08:00] I end up feeling flat and low. And what's happening in our nervous system when that happens is we can be going into sort of dorsal vagal, which is a real withdrawal kind of space.
And when we're in that space, it's really difficult to focus. It's actually really difficult to problem solve. Um, so if we've got problems in our business that need resolution and we are being hypercritical of ourselves, it can make it really difficult to actually see what the answer is to resolve the problems that are happening because we're activated in a way.
So dorsal vagal is activation in the parasympathetic nervous system, which is basically the slowing down. And so when we are slowing down, that's exactly what you're talking about there. It's hard to keep going. It's hard to move forward. Slowing down is withdrawal, it's pulling back. It's that kind of vibe.
So, certainly if we can have compassion for ourselves, we can see where we have made a mistake, maybe if that's what's happened and we are more likely to be able to see what the action is that needs to be taken, how do we actually resolve this? And to be in a position where we believe in ourselves to be able to rectify that problem as well.
Kristy: I [00:09:00] love that so much, and I love the fact that there's a scientific reason for when we are being critical of ourselves that we find it so hard to take action. And I think there's a lot of business owners, like by nature, business owners are very ambitious. They're always striving for that next thing and then to add to the mix you're parenting little humans and, and that is also an incredibly challenging and at times, very triggering experience being a parent and much like parenting and business, there's so much expectation, and so we are trying to meet the expectations of ourselves. We're trying to meet the expectations of the internet of people that we work with, of all of the things. And so if you are not intentional about building in self-compassion into your mindset, it's much, much easier, let's put it that way, to put ourselves down than to lift ourselves up, right?
Yara: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And like, you know, from my own personal experience, I had a year last year, but there was a lot going on in my business, but there was a huge amount moving and shifting in my personal life and [00:10:00] that was really difficult because I have, like you said, all these ambitions for things that I want to do and the people I wanna reach and the work that I do.
But at the same time, I had this pull that was pulling me out of my business into my personal life because there were things that needed to be resolved and dealt with, um, there. And I think if I didn't have self-compassion for myself, then it would've been really easy for me to beat myself up about how I'm not showing up you know, in alignment with the goals that I set for myself earlier that year, or I'm not doing more than I was doing the year before and all of this sort of stuff. And it could have been a point where I, you know, I certainly remember having times where I'm like, oh God, maybe I should just stop . You know?
And that's not an unusual thing. I know many business owners have that same thought. But I think being able to have self-compassion for myself, I was able to say this is a phase. This is a phase. And the reason why you work the way you do is because you want flexibility built into your business so that you can show up in your home life in a way that feels meaningful [00:11:00] and of integrity for you, as well as being able to do that in your work life. So what that means right now is you do need to pull back and that's okay. There'll be time. There's another time for jumping back in with the big energy that you had planned, right, that you had intended for this year.
And I think that when I was able to do that, it really allowed me to just say, okay, I'm gonna put my effort that I have and the energy I have, really into building the things that already exist in the business that are already going along and tracking along. And I'm gonna just put down those other things that I had planned for this year.
And then it just meant that I could enjoy that process more because I knew, you know, I got clear on what the limit was for me at that time.
Kristy: I really appreciate that so much, Yara, because I think that anyone who's listening to this today, and certainly I'm gonna guess that most people who are listening are parents or intending to be parents at some point in time. Is what you're saying around this seasonality of our life and for many business owners, they choose to become an entrepreneur. They [00:12:00] choose to start their business with this flexibility in mind. And yet there's this chorus of voices on the internet that gives us this, well, this is the criteria of what a successful business looks like, and what that doesn't take into account is the individual vision you hold for your life, right?
And I think that this is why it's so important that we not only figure out what the vision is for our business, but also what's the vision that we hold for our life. And it's okay for things to ebb and flow. And sometimes you might end up needing to put in your words that big energy into your business when it actually works for your family life.
And sometimes you need to pull that back and put that big energy into your family. Because in my experience, and I've got one of my children is special needs and requires a lot of energy from me, and that means that I have to be available to be able to give my little human extra support. And that means like, in my mind,[00:13:00] it's a win, right?
If I can pull back my business and put that time into my child and to be able to support them, then that's a very positive thing. However, I'm also aware that I've done a lot of work on self-compassion and my ego, if I didn't do that work, my ego would be saying, you are not good enough.
You are not doing this thing. You could have achieved that, that was put on your goals, da, da, da, da, da. But, you know, it's so important that we recalibrate and we're always thinking about what needs our focus and attention, not only in our business, but also in our life.
And I think also for me, as you were speaking, you know, the way I think about business is that my business is one part of my life and my children are another part of my life. And the value of each of the parts of my life is not equally distributed. There are some things that are the most important thing, right?
So my family, my children are most important and my wellbeing and mental health is really important that of my husband as [00:14:00] well. And so the business needs to work for all of that. It's not the business at the cost of all of those things. That's kind of the way that I view that. And because I have that view, it means that I have the capacity for that self-compassion when it's feeling hard and muddy in work. You know, especially when it's to do with family stuff that's pulling that out. And sometimes that's just as simple as having young kids getting sick frequently. You know, I had the end of last year, right before school holidays, we got Covid and so I had three weeks of work left. I was launching my group program again, as well. Like all of the things just timed out. I, in my head, I was like, okay, I've got three weeks. I'm gonna launch this thing. I've got these things to tie up for my business, da da da. Bang. We all get Covid. So it's like three weeks of all the kids home. I can't send them anywhere.
I can't get care. Like it was absolute chaos, , you know, for me. And then that backed up with school holidays, right? So, you know, and for me, school holidays, I don't work school holidays, ever, any of the [00:15:00] school holidays. For me, it's just far too hard to juggle that with the age that my kids are and that was really challenging for me.
And again, it was one of those times where I had to really find the self-compassion in that and also so I could have compassion for the people involved in that with me. Like my children, compassion for them. It's not their fault that they got sick and all the rest of it. This is just part of life. My husband, fortunately for him, didn't, and, and for us, really didn't get Covid.
So he was able to sort of be the one that was running out and stuff, but he was still going to work. So again, being able to have self-compassion for me meant that I could have some for him. Watching him be able to go to work while I'm there, you know, with sick kids, but there's a lot of benefits from that as well. Yeah, so I think that it's really, really important. I mean, if I didn't have children, I'd be working in a very different way, and there would be, there wouldn't be as much focus I think for me, it doesn't mean that it wouldn't be of benefit. It would be a real loss for me if I didn't consider self-compassion and my own health and everything alongside my business. And I think that's one of the benefits of having [00:16:00] started a business while I was a mother, because it means that I have this real awareness about balancing how am I balancing running this business so that it's working for me and the people that I care about and my longevity as well, right?
Like, not just like trying to make lots of money or build a huge business quickly now, but then it just burn out and, you know, fall over later.
Kristy: A hundred percent. I couldn't agree with you more. And I think even your statement around, if I didn't have children, I would run my business differently. And I think that that's the care and the empathy we have to have for ourselves is that you can't be looking at someone online who doesn't have the same... the need to spend however many hours raising humans or, in that space of being a parent and they don't have that responsibility and can focus on, on their business and, you know, they may choose to focus on other things. Of course, like every, every person looks different. I'm not saying it's a them or us situation at all. Not at all. But the reality is, is that to pretend you're not a parent and to be operating at this level where you're working 60, 70 hours a [00:17:00] week and being surprised when all the wheels fall off the bus.
It's hard, and I've done that before where in my first business, I was trying to navigate all the things and being a parent, I only had one child at the time and, and she was little, but I couldn't do that now cuz I wanna be there after school picking my kids up. I'm there every single afternoon.
I put my children to bed every single night. This is how I do it. It's not to say this is the rule book of being a parent, but these are the decisions that I make and this leads really beautifully into something that you said a moment ago about boundaries. And I think to your point, self-compassion leads to boundaries.
It's, it almost starts with that, okay, what's that vision I hold for my life and my business? Okay. And then I have self-compassion, which enables me to put in place those boundaries. So what would you say to someone who's really struggling to put boundaries in place?
Yara: Mm. I really feel like being able to get clear on your boundaries means that you need to be really clear on what your values are. Like what is [00:18:00] meaningful to you in life? So for example, you know, when I said, business is one part of my life, it's not all of my life that's not to say that everybody feels that way. There might be some people out there that feel like their work and their business is their life force and is their mission and that's what, and they have capacity to spend as much time as they want in that, that's fine, but it's still is important to consider what is, what are the things that make life meaningful for you as a human right? Like, what is it that brings you joy? What is it that makes you feel fulfilled? What do you engage in that fills you up and that lights you up but that has no end goal? You know, what are the things that you do for simply the process of doing them that fill you with joy? And I think sometimes it can be helpful, uh, for clarifying boundaries if we know what we don't like as well, like what are the things that just don't fit with us. So I feel like when you have a good understanding of that, it then leads you in your behaviour. It leads you in your thinking styles. I also think that, you know, one of the [00:19:00] difficult things with boundaries for many people is the idea of disappointing other people. So in business especially, right, like this is a big one in business, we're worried about disappointing our clients.
We are worried about disappointing other people that we are co-working with maybe contractors or whatever, it's such a difficult thing for people to take on, but the reality is, is that all you can do is the best that you can do for yourself and do that compassionately.
And if people cannot understand that, or cannot accept that, or feel deeply wounded and hurt by those decisions, then that's work for them to do. That's actually their own triggers, their own stuff that they're bringing to the table. It's not to invalidate people's disappointment either.
Like people are allowed to be disappointed. Like for example, if my daughter came home from school the other day and her brother had an Icy Pole at school, after school, cuz it was someone's birthday. There wasn't one for her. She was really upset. I validated that disappointment, like you're [00:20:00] fully within reason to be disappointed, but it's also not the responsibility of the boy whose birthday it was to make you feel better about the fact that you didn't get one, you're not in the class, blah, blah, blah.
Like, do you know what I mean? So people are allowed to be disappointed and I think if we wanna have good, strong boundaries, and this is both boundaries with ourselves and with other people, then we have to just get comfortable with the idea that people are gonna be disappointed by us sometimes, and that does not indicate or mean that we are bad people.
It doesn't mean we're bad business people. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum because your kids are disappointed with a decision that you've made for them. The space of parenting is a place where your kids are constantly disappointed by things that you do right? And rules that you make because they wanna do stuff like eat ice cream for breakfast, right? And lunch and dinner. And it's like, sorry, that's gonna be a disappointing , you know, plan for you . So, so I think reminding ourselves about that. And I think especially for women in business, this is a really big thing because women in general have really been conditioned [00:21:00] throughout our lives to be caretakers.
And that means to be concerned with making sure that everybody else is comfortable around us and that we don't upset other people. And so that shows up across so many areas in our lives as women, certainly in the mothering space, but I think also in business as well. Like we're afraid of speaking up and letting people know what our needs are and being clear that that's the boundary that we are drawing because we are worried about their feeling.
Meanwhile, we are the ones suffering for that. Right? So I think understanding all of the different influences, I guess, that play a part in making it hard for us to have boundaries means that we can be on alert for when they're influencing us, when they're playing a role.
You know, for me, I'm a therapist and so last year I made a decision, that I was really gonna change the way that my services look and the offerings that I have. And that was really driven by the need for a better balance with my family.
And this year, as you and I were discussing before we started recording, it's really paid off like it feels [00:22:00] really comfortable now and much less stressful and more flexible for me. But it also meant that I had to let a bunch of clients know that I'd been working with for years, that I was no longer going to be able to work with them in that capacity.
That's really hard to tell people that, especially when you know the depth of all of their life story, you know, and that you've been with them through so many challenges and wins and all of that sort of stuff. But I knew that that was just what had to happen, right?
And so, if I was not able to communicate that to them and really set that boundary for myself and for my business, I would've had sort of leaky energy this year.
I would've been doing something that didn't actually fit for me. I wouldn't have capacity to build some of the other areas of my business that I'm building at the moment and I wouldn't necessarily be giving my best version of my therapist, supportive self in these spaces either. Does that make sense?
Kristy: It makes so much sense. And I think that our parent slash boss who's listening to today's episode [00:23:00] is gonna feel really validated in that moment. And I really love, I mean, we know the vision values, they're all really governance of what we want our boundaries to be.
But I really think the sticking point for so many people, especially women, as you said, is the execution of boundaries. Not because they don't believe that they have the right to execute on that vision and values, but because there's this inherent fear of disappointing others. And I know I've experienced that recently where I executed a boundary of mine where I felt.
Like, it was so interesting. I felt deeply uncomfortable afterwards, even though I knew 100% I was in alignment with my vision and my values. It was like so uncomfortable, and I felt my ego was in my head saying, you know, you should be able to do this, and you, blah, blah, blah. I, I just had all these expectations of myself and I, in the end, I had to actually physically talk to myself and say hey, you're acting on what you talk about and this is the good thing. This is what you want, and it doesn't [00:24:00] matter. To your point, Yara, you will disappoint people. That's just the reality. And when you are okay with disappointing people, then you are going to do so for the right reasons. In this case was for my children, for the decisions that I've made in my life and my business, and that far outweighs disappointment of others.
I just think that's such an important takeaway from today's conversation. If you, if you take anything away, I mean, there's so much already, but that's a really big one, because that's gonna hold you back. That's where you're gonna, you are gonna let those boundaries slip, and you are going to, you know, not get to this vision that you have for your life and your business because you're just not executing on what it is that you truly desire.
Yara: Yeah. And I love that you talk about these boundaries with compassion because actually something that, um, Marion Rose, who is this incredible, um, you know, supporter of mother. Uh, she's got this brilliant podcast called The Aware Parenting Podcast with Lael, [00:25:00] and she talks about loving boundaries.
And I love that because obviously she's, she's talking in terms of our children. It's those loving boundaries. It's when we set boundaries because we know it's good for them and it's good for us or vice versa. Right? And I think in business it's the same thing. It's loving boundaries. You're setting that boundary out of love for yourself and love for your family.
And the way we communicate that, I think it's, it's um when we set those boundaries from that place, it's difficult for people to not hear that in that as well. Does that make sense? And it's, it's difficult for them at some level, not feel respected within that. Does that make sense? It's not like a violation for them.
We are doing it out of care and compassion for ourselves. And unfortunately that means, you know, maybe there's an inconvenience here for you. And I also feel like, it's one of those things, you know, when one door closes, another door opens So, you know, for that person on the other side of that boundary, there are other opportunities for people in business or in life anyway. Like, it's not the end of the road. Life keeps going, so, yeah.
Kristy: [00:26:00] 100%. And oh, I love that so much. Actually, one of the things that I learned, you know, I did so much personal development when my kids were younger, and one of the things that I learned along the way in that journey is it's not your job to fix all the problems for your children. And it's also not your job to... Your children are allowed to be mad at you, and you don't need to seek their approval and get that back on track and that's what happens, you know, when you are executing a boundary for anyone, whether it's a child or whether it's a business partner or whether it's whoever is, it's not your job to make people feel happy.
It's your job to honour your boundaries and if you were to say yes to something that was so out of alignment, and then all the wheels fall off the bus for you and then you can't see that through, that is so much detrimental for that other party than saying no on the outset.
Yara: Oh yeah, absolutely. And that's what I mean, like it's much easier [00:27:00] to deal with that disappointment on the front end than it is to deal when the whole thing falls apart later. Yeah, Absolutely . Mm-hmm.
Kristy: One of the things I love about your content and this is kind of an extension of what we're talking about, but I wanna talk about some, you know, some of the big emotions right now is you talk about anger and we've talked a little bit about shame and guilt as well, but anger is something that's an emotion that we have traditionally seen as a really negative emotion, and it's something that we experience as business owners.
It's also something we experience as parents, and it can often be derived from the shoulds and external expectations of the internet and the triggers that we get through that experience. I'd love you to share a little bit about how you would suggest taking care. Maybe you need to define who the inner child is first, but how you would suggest nurturing and taking care of the inner child through this lens of better supporting that activated nervous system, which leads to anger and those [00:28:00] bigger emotions.
Yara: So if we consider that each of us, that our bodies are kind of like a home and inside the home, there are many different parts of us that live within that. And each of those parts have been formed throughout our lives and they play a different role. So we have the core self that is within there. We've also got like the inner child, which is that part of us from a long time ago, that holds the joys and the fun and the playfulness from our childhood, but can also hold the wounding that we've experienced throughout our lives and our childhood in particular as well.
We can also have parts within there that are like protector parts. And angry protector parts. We can have an inner critic, that's another big one for business and in life in general. And we can have, you know, like the warm parent parts as well. So like the warm nurturing mother and, and that sort of thing. Essentially when it comes to anger or any of those big emotions, you know, because I think anger in particular is such a important emotion. It's a very valuable emotion, and it provides us with a lot of information. I mean, generally [00:29:00] when we feel angry, it's because there's been some kind of boundary crossed, or we have, we feel violated. There's a sense of injustice in some way. And so there's a lot of really important information that comes from being angry, you know, in particular in the space of parenting, anger often means that there's been some kind of boundary violation, so something hasn't been followed through, you know, whoever that is in relation to, or it can be that we have needs that haven't been met and often it's the case for mothers that it's like a need or needs that haven't been met for a very long time, and then they just, and then it just sort of blows up. Right? And i t's really important for us to, to receive that information from our anger so that we then know what to do, right?
So when we get the information from anger, we can then problem solve, okay, my needs haven't been met, I haven't been heard. These are the, the needs that I'm talking about. This is how I'm gonna go and solve that. This is who I need to call in for support, blah, blah, blah. And I think similarly in business, it's important for us to take that information too if we are finding ourselves frustrated or [00:30:00] resentful or angry about aspects of our business, that we take the information about why that is happening. What is the violation, you know, what's the boundary crossing maybe that's happening or what's feeling unjust, and actually go and, and actually engage in trying to problem solve that issue. In terms of sort of the inner child work and inner critic and, and things like that, I think that it's important to understand you know, whether, or I guess to have some insight into whether we are carrying wounding in those parts. And, and most of the time we are like, we all have our sort of woundings that come from our childhood and our family of origin, which is normally around emotional needs that haven't been met.
So whether this is not having a place where we felt safe to express anger in our childhood, whether it's about feeling unseen and unheard, whether it was about not feeling safe to have emotional expression in general, whatever those needs are that weren't met in our childhood, we carry those with us throughout our lifetime and they shape the way that we view the world. So they shape [00:31:00] how we feel about ourselves and our sense of worth. They shape what we expect in relationship. And that relationship is not just relationship intimately, it's friendships and it's also business partnerships.
What do we expect in the workplace? How do we expect people to treat us and what they expect from us? And I think that doing inner child work allows us to get clarity about what our triggers are. So what are the things that are likely to set us off? And when we've been triggered, it means that we're having some kind of an emotional reaction that is beyond what you would normally expect for whatever is actually happening in the real moment, right? In the real time. And when we have some clarity about the inner child and, and what our triggers are and that sort of thing, it means that we can resolve that in the moment, like, or we can tend to that part of ourself, the wounded part that is being activated in that moment so that we can actually return to whatever's happening in the real life.
So whether that's a, a disagreement in business relationships or, maybe someone didn't respond to [00:32:00] an email in time, whatever it is, and we can actually deal with that effectively in the here and now for what it is in the here and now, rather than responding to it as if we've been treated badly or poorly in the past.
Does that make sense? So it's basically like we are carrying the charge of the wound into the current, situation.
Kristy: Yeah, that makes so much sense. And you might see this, I, I think it's almost easier to contextualize this for other people first, is that you may see that somebody has given a completely what you would believe to be an unrealistic response to something that may feel just so out of par of what you would expect a typical response to be. Right? And let's say that you get big email from a client and they're ranting and raving and whatever.
Even for you just to have that perspective that perhaps maybe it's not even about you at all, but actually that this has triggered something inside of them. So that gives you that awareness from perspective of others.
But also what I love is that that [00:33:00] trigger of emotion tells you something that's missing, but you've gotta go and look for it. You've gotta make sense of why does that trigger me? And it could be that, you know, you were repeatedly told something as a child especially women, let's be honest, where little girls are told what they can and can't do and have different constraints to what little boys do . There's obviously gender diversity all in between there as well, but it's really important for you to have that self-awareness. Okay, I'm triggered, and a typical response might be this, but I'm feeling like it really needs to be this. And then doing that inner work to understand. And then what you are saying is that extension piece of, okay, so you're aware that that has triggered your inner child.
How do you then go away and nurture that side of you, and how do you soothe that feeling? Because those feelings are completely valid because it's in some ways trauma. Whether it's traditional trauma, what we deem to be trauma, but it is, it is a form of trauma right?
Yara: Yeah, absolutely. And we talk about in the sort of trauma space, we talk about big T trauma and little T trauma. So big T trauma is like, [00:34:00] you know, you've been in a war zone, you've had a motor vehicle accident, you've been held up, you know, at gunpoint or something like that. These are these big single event, you know, or you've been in a natural disaster, something like that.
And then little T trauma, you're more insidious kind of trauma. So it's like the repeated lack of meeting someone's emotional needs. So you're going through your childhood and maybe there isn't space for you to be heard, or for you to actually express that you like or don't like something. Maybe your parents override that maybe they don't provide you with emotional comfort when you need it.
And it's repeated enough that over time I mean, that's painful for a child. That's painful. And so over time, that creates a wounding for that person. It also creates an inner dialogue for them that they've had to develop in order to make sense of what's going on and, cuz at the end of the day, children always want proximity with parents because it ensures survival.
And for us as developed beings, a lot of this is emotional proximity as well. So emotional proximity is super important for secure attachment in children and for us to have [00:35:00] secure attachment as we develop in our adults. And so children will do all sorts of resourceful things in order to stay close to people, and that means that they suppress parts of themselves in order to do that.
And so, it means then that we can, we can be triggered by all sorts of things. And even as you were talking through that, it made me think about some experiences I've had in business where people have made requests of me, or people have responded to a request of mine in a particular way, and it really ruffled my feathers.
And then I'd be thinking about it, like stewing on it for days and days and days. And that's always a like massive red flag for me that I've just been triggered. Like it's, I don't take things that deeply and seriously normally. So if something's really gotten under my skin like that, it's like, okay, what is it to me?
I'm like, what's going on here? What's this about? Why am I uncomfortable? What could this mean about me? What's the meaning making I'm making here? Where is the wounded child here? What is it that's, that's wounding here? And I think that when we're able to do that, then it leads me into sort of talking [00:36:00] about what you can do about that.
I mean, a lot of it is to do with actually just recognising that that part of us is there. So, many of us may have gone through our childhoods actually feeling really invalidated and really unheard by our parents. And so, so simply doing that, so giving space to that, and that can be as simple as closing our eyes and imagining ourselves actually being there with us. Right? The small version of ourselves being there and sort of checking in and saying, what is it that you need in this moment? Right? And so that might mean I feel afraid that I'm losing control in some way, right? Or I'm afraid that I'm not being valued or I'm, I'm afraid that I'm being taken advantage of or whatever that might be.
And you can provide the soothing that is required through affirmation to that part. I was actually doing one of my groups yesterday and someone said this and it was beautiful cuz we were talking about inner child work and she said, you know, I'd like to imagine that everything that I do, there's like a little me walking around with me [00:37:00] occupying my space with me, you know, all this sort of stuff.
And I was like, that is such a beautiful thing cuz that's the truth, right? So if we're able to think about it in that way, it means, in the parenting space I was saying to them, think about the last time that you were really triggered in your parenting and that you really struggled to deal with something effectively, right?
Or that you were feeling a huge sense of overwhelm right? In your parenting. I want you to close your eyes and visualise , where is your inner child in that moment? What were they doing in that space? What, how were they feeling? What might they have been saying? Were they sitting down? Were they off in a corner by themselves?
Like, what's the energy about your inner child in that moment when you were feeling all that? I overwhelm and then I say to people, you know, What is it that they needed in that moment? Did they need to know it's not their fault? Did they need to know that they're loved? Did they need to, need to know that you would be there to care for them and to not leave them abandoned?
So there's that sort of work that goes into that, which I think is powerful, like powerful across all areas of our life. So of course this can be [00:38:00] helpful in business, but it's actually just helpful in all areas of our lives, right? And I think the work of inner child work is, there may be some things that will always be a bit triggering for us, but you'll have insight about them with so much speed that you won't be reactive necessarily.
Over time. It'll be much more of a considered process where you, you have time for being intentional about how you're choosing to respond.
Kristy: Yeah, it's so true. To your point, it's not just around parenting and it's not just around business. It's about relationships. And I love that visualized exercise of, you know, where are they in that moment? Are they running and hiding or are they fighting or are they, you know, fighting, fighting, fawning.
And freezing. Like, are they doing any of those things? Cuz that's gonna give you a really good idea of, of what your inner child is feeling in that moment. So, I'm definitely not an expert in this space. I've just started really exploring what this looks like.
So I love that you've been able give us some really good tools to start there. I don't even want this conversation to end, but I know we've [00:39:00] gotta wrap things up, but, uh, what would you say to our boss who's listening today, would you, what would you say to them?
Yara: Hmm. I would say, you know, especially speaking from a perspective where I'm a business owner and a mother, I would say there's a time for everything. There's a season for everything. That has been one of the hardest lessons for me and also the lesson that has given me the most, in being a mother.
And it's also one that I continue to learn. So, before I became a mother, I was just and I still am very driven, but it was like I was very driven. It's like when I had a goal of something, I would everything I needed to do to execute it, and everything had to be fast. That's the way that I kind of worked.
And so being a mother and actually owning and running a business, has been a huge lesson in you need to let go of that. That is just completely impossible and that's been a real gift actually, to learn that because it means that I get to grow my business organically rather than in this wild kind of rush.
So I [00:40:00] would say Yeah, like there is a season for everything. There is a time for everything, there is a time for letting your business develop very organically so that it can hold you when it's big, right? So that it's not crazy and chaotic, but also so that it can be balanced alongside the needs that your family has as you are growing this business.
And I really just wanna put in there, you know, the thing that I often say to clients is every bloom has its season. So it's okay if there are times in business, like for myself last year where I actually had to pull back and there was a bit of a winter season for me for the whole year while I just did the other work that needed to be done so that I could show up now this year with more capacity, like, if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be able to show up in the same way that I can now. So always knowing that what we do now is sewing seeds for later, right? It's not all about getting everything all in one go.
Kristy: And the sewing the seeds can be as much about the relationships that you have with your family as it is about building your business.
Kristy: [00:41:00] Beautiful. Well, Yara, I personally got so much value from this conversation, and I know our boss slash parent who is listening today has as well. Can you share with us where we can contact you? How can we get all your goodness?
Yara: Yes. Beautiful. Um, well, I'm very active over on social media, so I'm on Instagram. My handle is life after birth psychology. And I also have a website that you can check out, life afterbirth.com.au. And I do also have a podcast, which is Life After Birth with Yara and I just absolutely love doing that.
Beautiful. It's just, you know, these amazingly gorgeous, vulnerable conversations with women who support mothers but are also mothers themselves on their experiences of becoming a mother and the challenges and the wins that they've had. So it's a really lovely... it's like a warm hug, is what I like to think of it for listeners.
And then I've got a few, there's a couple of resources and stuff on my website that are freebees if people wanna, um, have a look at some of the work [00:42:00] that I do. But yeah, there's lots of info there on the website on my Instagram about how we can work together. Also, just feel free to drop me a hi.
That's also cool
Kristy: Amazing. Well, Yara, thank you so much for sharing all your wisdom and just your calming, rational voice. I just, I've loved today's conversation, so I appreciate your time today.
Yara: Oh, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. Thanks for having me.
Kristy: And to you boss, thank you so much for joining us for this very powerful conversation. I hope you feel validated, and I hope it's given you the courage to instate your own boundaries, to look after yourself, to nurture yourself, and to honor what you want out of your life and also for your business.
I love so much of what Yara shared, and I'd love to hear your takeaways from today's conversation. Please feel free to share it out on your stories and tag both Yara and I. Thank you so much for joining us for this very special conversation, [00:43:00] and if you haven't already done so, please make sure that you do follow this podcast so you don't miss out on any of the incredible resources and guests as well as the solo episodes that I share out to support you in your business journey.
Thanks for joining us. As always. I look forward to chatting with you next week. [00:44:00]
Links and Resources
Connect with Yara:
Podcast: Life After Birth With Yara Heary
Connect With Kristy:
About your host, Kristy
Hi, I'm Kristy, thank you for tuning in to the Run Your Business Like a Boss Podcast. My purpose for the podcast is to help Business Owner’s in the growth stage of business (messy middle) have a sustainable business, they love.
I’m an online business coach, based in Brisbane, Australia. I provide 1:1 business coaching, to Service Based Online Business Owner's and a group coaching program commencing in 2022. I believe whole heartedly that having a Business Coach is what gives you the competitive edge. As your coach I support you to overcome challenges quickly, uncover blindspots and make business decisions with confidence and clarity. All of which keeps you moving forward and maintaining momentum.
As your Business Coach, my role is to help you organise and formulate your ideas, turn them into a goal and then into an actionable plan! All while meeting you where you're at and providing you relevant tools and support along the way.
Thank you for tuning in to the Run Your Business Like A Boss podcast!